After the last three posts about grief and Lily’s journey, the grief wave hung around a little longer than normal. I knew it would be difficult sharing our story and with this dreary depressing weather (like seriously Mother Nature, wtf??!), it was harder staying afloat. I was sad and emotional, but as per usual, I made it through and all is well again! So now what? Well, I wanted to share my perspective and outlook on life and how it has changed.

Before I experienced child loss, I was someone who put too much thought into everything! I worried about the littlest thing and cared about what people thought. I was an overthinker. I worried about my work and if it was good enough. What if I made a mistake? Was I a good mom, wife or friend? I wasn’t confident. I was a worry wart and stressed a lot. Now, I don’t care. Well it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. I have perspective-I don’t sweat the small stuff! My new way of making decisions is if no one is going to die or their health is not affected, than it’s easy peasy! It’s not worth losing sleep over. I no longer take the joy out of my days over something I can not control. (Thanks to my therapist for helping me realize that!) Do I still have anxiety and trouble sleeping? Of course! I am human but what has changed is how I deal with it. My worries that keep me up are about my boys and I know it’s normal given our circumstances. I tend to worry more about my boys more than the average parent because I know what it’s like to feel that unbearable loss. I use to worry and care what other parents thought about me being an overprotective or nervous parent but now I don’t. I don’t fear being judged. People are going to judge you regardless. I read a line in Rachel Hollis’ book Girl, Wash Your Face, and it said “someone else’s opinion of you is none of your business.” She’s right! So why waste time on something you can’t change? I don’t anymore.

I don’t let my fears consume me. Fear means you’re alive!! So I face them head on. Writing this blog and putting our life out there is scary, but helping others in Lily’s honour make it worth it. When I do anything that I’m nervous about, I think about Lily’s life and how everything in my life that I endure is nothing compared to what she went through. If she defied everything against her then something as simple as daily life, work or financial decisions are minor.

I often struggled to find purpose from Lily’s life. How can I honour her? Besides this blog, what could I do? Well after a lot of soul searching and reflection, the answer is I can keep living! I can live my best life and choose to be happy and in doing so, I’m honouring her. I believe our loved ones would be sad and disappointed if they saw us not finding joy and happiness in our life. They wouldn’t want us to not live our life too. We can grieve and miss them and still find joy! That is the best way to honour Lily, I can live a happy life FOR her!

I asked Todd and Matthew this past year what they’d like to do to honour Lily. They wanted to write a book about her. So we did. The boys and I wrote a children’s book about child loss. They named it Lily’s Wings. We wrote it to help other families with young children explain what happens when you die. The books we had given to us at the time just wasn’t enough. The boys still had too many questions. This book is their story told from their perspective. They want me to publish it and I promised I would. (Stay tuned for that!) That’s how we will honour her. As the boys grow up, I’ll teach them to live life to the fullest, follow their dreams, do what they love and always choose to be happy. In doing all of that, they will honour Lily!

My biggest take away from child loss is that life is short. I use to say that before Lily. You only live once (or YOLO)!!! But it doesn’t mean the same now as it did then. Now, life IS short! It is precious time, especially with our kids. We only have a finite about of time with them and I don’t take one second for granted. We focus our time together as quality family time. Friday nights are movie night, I play the Xbox or Nintendo Switch with them almost every time they ask and most weekends are spent at our cabin. I’m the Mom who is playing soccer and baseball in the backyard and hide and seek at the cabin. When Matthew asks me about a dozen times each night for an extra hug and kiss, as much as it might annoy me, I do it. Because I want as many hugs, kisses and bedtime cuddles as possible. Is it easy? Hell no!! Being a parent is about sacrifice and it’s hard. Shane and I get frustrated and lose our patience too. There are times we want just the two of us to take a vacation or night away. It doesn’t happen often or easily for us. But we know when they are older, then it will be time for us again. Before you know it, they’ll be grown and on their own and I don’t want any regrets. When they’re moved out and I’m home alone reminiscing about their childhood, I’ll have all those happy memories to rely on and so will Todd and Matthew.

Our family is no different than yours. For us, we’ve kept living. Even on the hardest days, we choose to keep living and be happy. Tomorrow is not promised. If you’re reading this and struggling with your own issues, remember life will go on with or without us! Being happy is a choice we have to make everyday. No person or thing will make you happy. You have to choose to be happy. I know that’s easier said than done. Believe me there are days where I get stuck in a rut and I’m mad or sad at the world. Then I feel guilty wasting a day of my life being everything except happy. So I take those days and learn from them. What do I need to do to change how I’m feeling? Maybe I need to get outside with the boys, workout or go for a walk by myself. Maybe I need to chat with my sister or Mom and they can offer advice. The point is to keep trying and never give up on life or yourself!

As I sit back and think about everything we’ve been through, the Beatles catchy song “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” comes to mind. Life goes on! Just because you experience loss, heartaches, or traumas, life doesn’t stop. Even if we want it to at times, we have no other choice but to embrace it and live through it. By living through the hard times, it allows us to appreciate the little things more and be grateful. When your heart is full of gratitude, happiness seeps in more easily and life is beautiful again!