I have so much to talk about when it comes to death and grief. My outlook on life changed once I experienced it and I’ll talk about that in another blog, but today I’m going to talk about grief.

As the end of May creeps upon us, so does the grief wave. Lily’s five year death anniversary is May 29th and usually every year around this time, the grief wave tends to get a little higher each day. By the time the 29th comes, it’s high enough that our heads are underwater……only for a short time though, so we’re not drowning but long enough to have the wounds reopened to sting for a little while. Anyone who has experienced grief knows what I’m talking about, but for those of you who have been fortunate not to, let me explain.

For me, grief bears its ugly head at the most inconvenient and unpredictable times unless it’s triggered by something or an anniversary or birthday. You can be happy one minute and then all of a sudden you’re overwhelmed with sadness and bursting into tears. One minute it can be sadness, then anger or resentment, and finally loneliness or guilt. It is such an emotional roller coaster that it is exhausting. During the death anniversary, I always relive the days up to and including Lily’s death. Every. Single. Detail. (I’ll talk more about that in another blog, stay tuned!) Then I have a pity party and a why me Lord or a life’s not fair party, or blah blah blah. As much as I try to not feel this way, I can’t help it. And God help me if I see or hear sad movies, tv shows or songs! I become so overwhelmed with emotion. Sometimes I try to hide it around my two sons. I don’t want them to see that I’m sad because they still struggle with their own grief. Even though they were 3 and 4 years old when she died, they still remember and grieve her. If they happen to catch a tear fest and ask why Mommy’s sad, I explain that I just miss Lily a little more lately and they understand.

Death sucks and so does grief. Until you have experienced the most unbearable feeling of loss and heartbreak, you can’t understand. Sure you can try, and us grievers appreciate your empathy but the best thing you can do is just be there. Don’t offer encouraging words or advice on how to move on. Many of you try to make helpful comments in attempts to change our mindset like “she’s in heaven now or a better place”, or “she’s no longer suffering”, or my favorite “at least you had a daughter even if it was for a short time, you have to be grateful for that”. I know it’s coming from a meaningful place to make those comments but it doesn’t help. No matter what anyone says to try to help ease the pain, grief cannot be eased or helped or controlled. You just have to ride the wave. Period. So be patient with us. To you our grief may seem irrational or maybe selfish but to us our feelings are valid and real. However, this feeling will pass and before you know it, we’ll smile again. In fact, if you could make us laugh, that’ll be even better!

I have triggers that send the grief wave soaring. When someone you love dies, you don’t just miss them and the memories, you miss the future and what could of been. With Lily dying as a baby, I grieve her entire life….from her first steps, her first day of school, concerts, graduations, weddings, etc. You get the idea. So when I mention triggers, something as simple as attending a school assembly or concert is a big one for me. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces when I see little girls get up proudly in front of the entire school and participate. No one would ever know it though. I put a big smile on my face and clap with the rest of the proud parents, but inside I’m dying. Lily will never be up there. Enter grief wave. Yes, I’m proud of my two boys but someone else is missing and should be up there so says my grieving heart. That’s just one example. I have many. As absurd and silly as these thoughts might be to you, they are very real to me. Maybe you’ve lost a love one and haven’t had these experiences. I envy you. You might suggest praying and I’ve tried it. But since Lily died, me and God….well lets just say I’ve had a hard time with my faith. I really struggled with Lily’s pain and suffering and God’s role in it all. It’s only been this past year that I’m realizing questioning ones faith is also a part of grieving. So my faith and my relationship with God is a work in progress but I think it’s heading in the right direction.

Over the past five years, I have learned to just let the wave come. I’ve tried keeping busy or distracted. In the beginning I wrote poems to help with the grief. It didn’t help. One year we went out of town with the entire family on her anniversary. It didn’t work. No matter what I do, it’s a sad day and I’ve learned to accept it. It’s a day that I don’t want to talk to or see anyone and that’s okay. The next day will be better.

The point of this blog is to let you know that you’re allowed to grieve whenever, however you want. There is no right or wrong way. Just don’t stop living! Keep pushing through. Wake up and face the day acknowledging your emotions and in turn gaining strength to overcome the waves more easily. Grieving is healing. If you don’t allow yourself to grieve, then you are not allowing yourself to heal and that can take an emotional toll. I don’t believe one is ever completely healed with the loss of a love one, I think we learn to cope with the pain and over time that pain becomes more bearable. We learn how to continue living with our hearts broken and still be happy. A different happy but happy nonetheless. My hope for those reading this, is that when that grief wave comes, you swim or float or surf…do anything except drown!!